There’s a disconnect between people, there’s a disconnect within ourselves, we merge with others as traffic merges, silently we pass close by, never touching, we watch as we merge, afraid of connection. Buildings form around and above us, stealing the land and sky, buildings funnel us along passageways we merge, we merge, we merge. We fear connection. The way my Father and I moved is not as I move now, I position myself to move apart from all that surrounds me.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend who lives above me and plays silence on his stereo. And it was kinda funny because after a while of listening to the silence he said, so I said, so he felt he needed to explain what he had said and after that I thought that he meant something different and because of what I thought he decided too and because of that........
and whilst all that was going on I was thinking that I used to think Candy Floss was spun from the foam from the ocean’s edge and then I suddenly realised that I had not heard anything my friend had just said so I asked if he wanted to go to the fair for a candy floss and he said ‘the fairs not in town man’ so I said ‘Oh’ and nodded my head to the sound of silence.
My father once stopped me jumping into a puddle that held my reflection, he said it would be violent and destructive and that if I left my reflection in the puddle it would forever hold my beauty and then when the sun came out again and the puddle evaporated my beauty would be drawn to the sun and form as vapour in the clouds above our heads and that eventually my beauty would fall on some people’s heads and that they would be happy as I was at that moment.
My father loved me I no longer seek love I replace love with actions and thoughts that cause an emotional vacuum. That means that I do not hurt but neither does it bring any joy or pleasure.
The room is dark and around me men mingle slowly, they merge, emotional attachment their drug of fear. I know this room. I hear the DJ above me. There’s a plastic bag duct tapped over my head and through mist I seek its rapid inhale/exhale/it sounds like I have fallen through ice that is now forming above my head. I drown. I want to feel safe but my fear demons demand, so there’s a belt fastened around my throat and I am all fours naked, a pull of the belt and my throat constricts to burn. My head jolts back and fingers push into my ass and I know those fingers have never held sunflowers as they grow. And my mouth was has been held open to allow the rain to fall into it has a cock pushed hard into it my throat gags and still I remember the rain. Fingers are pulled from my ass and a cock is pushed hard and fast inside me and so my demons demands start to be met.
I loved my Father, I do not love these men but they do define me. These men who cannot love hold the chains that bind me. They defy me to cry and shout in pain and anguish and anger but I will not cry and shout from the pain. For its In pain I trust not love.
Cry for me for I cannot cry for myself. Cry because one day I will be one of these men and not still this boy they so crave.
Everyone has a drug of fear, a sense of fearsome longing, a familiarity with something unfamiliar, we hear its call and instantly feel that fear, and my drug of fear is me.
Wow, that was intense.
ReplyDelete